Homeless Hustle: Man's Gotta Eat

[How I managed to eat like a king for months, completely free]

If you've ever lived on the streets for an extended period of time chances are you are painfully aware of how much work goes into acquiring adequate food. If you're like I was and wasn't above eating out of trash cans, that would usually provide the bare essentials. However if you're also like myself and got tired of having to cash in a little piece of your dignity every time you ate out of trash cans, eventually it became redundantly unappealing. Sure, I could always scour a Mcdonald's trash can and come up with half of an eaten hash brown(fire), a soggy English muffin(also fire) and if I were really lucky, a sausage bacon and cheeee sangwhich(yes I said sangwhich). But some days a man just wants a waffle with maple syrup, lucky charms(their magically delicious by the way), fluffy eggs and enough bacon to make a hog farmer in Wisconsin jealous. Today was that day.

[McDonald's] formerly on MLK on UT Austin campus where I would frequently eat out of trash cans.

You see, being a skid-row homeless junkie isn't all its cracked up to be. It kinda sucks. One becomes very conscious and grateful for everyday luxuries such as bathrooms, showers, Twinkies and Fro-Yo(mmm). If their is one positive of choosing to be a street dwelling junkie, it is invariably the way in which one is forced to become resourceful. Unless you want to roll over and die(or go to rehab and change your life, but who wants that), said individual is forced to make a dollar out of twenty five cents, for lack of a better term, on a daily basis. It sounds tedious, stressful and anxiety ridden, which it is, but it also teaches someone that when it comes to survival- humans are and can be quite resilient.

One particular morning I decided, "Today is waffle day and ain't nobody gonna get in my way(rhymes)." As I sat scheming, tweaking my balls off, pondering upon how this certainly illegal venture would take place, I had an epic philosophical realization that would of made Socrates cry tears of joy. What establishment serves free breakfast on the daily to people whom the staff have no way of verifying if they are actually qualified and deserving of said free breakfast, short of being a politically incorrect asshole willing to risk potential business by potentially wrongly discriminating against their guests? You said it- every hotel/motel in town. Swing Low, Sweet Chariots.

[Econolodge] off 290 & 35 in Austin TX where I discovered my lucrative breakfast hustle.

How did I not think of this sooner? My plan was simple. I would walk to the nearest hotel at around 630AM, right when most hotel guests are rising and shining, blend in with the crowd and help myself to a continental breakfast. It was like the gates of heaven opened up, welcoming me in with open arms(and as many waffles as I wanted).

I was off. I trekked to the Econolodge Inn off of IH-35 and 290 right at 630AM, stashed my obviously homeless indicating hooptie of a backpack, then bravely walked into the lobby ready to divide and conquer. One thing I learned as a degenerate criminal is more times than not during the commission of a crime, the biggest obstacle that stands in one's way is themselves. For example, don't walk into Wal-Mart planning on stealing Yoo-Hoo and Doughnuts while looking more guilty than a puppy who just ate Mom's new furniture. Most people don't assume someone is coming into their store to rob them blind as long as said person blends in and acts normal. In layman's terms, don't give yourself away. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on what moral ground you stand on, I mastered that art. It requires one to abandon all conscience, guilt, as well as every other emotion which the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual for Mental Disorders claims is a major indicator of Psychopathy, Anti-Social behavior, Narcissism, nothing too serious(that's only their opinion bro don't worry). However, in my mind, if I see a puppy that looks sad or neglected I tend to feel sad myself so I guess that clears me of being a full-blown sociopath(wheww). Nevertheless, when you're on the streets, a man's gotta eat. Waffles.

[Fairfield Suites] on Parmer Lane & N. Lamar in Austin TX, another hotel where I carried out my breakfast scam.

I waltz into the lobby smiling like a Jehovah's witness ready to spread the love of Christ. "Good Morning Mam," I casually say to the desk clerk, knowing this is my moment of truth. I have an uncanny ability to read people's body language(another trauma response) and can usually tell within seconds if something is "up" or not. Those seconds felt like hours, "Oh no i'm caught, what do I do, should I run, should I stand my ground and deflect, should I call Ghostbusters," my mind racing with a nervous sense of excitement. As the sweat fell from my brow, my pulse raging like an emo teenager at drug-fueled rave somewhere in Nevada, I hear, "Good Morning sir have you enjoyed your stay thus far?" For some reason, "Tell me something good," (Shaka Khan) played in my brain, relieving me of all worry and doubt. "Yes Mam I have. Those sheets are top-notch!" Now, most people who have tested their luck thus far would leave it at that and go chow-down on their much deserved feast of golden Waffles. Being the slightly sociopathic pathologically manipulative liar that I was, I decided instead of hitting a triple with the bases loaded- im going for an inside the park home run baby(send it).

[Courtyard Inn] hotel and suites on N. Lamar right before Parmer Lane, the 2nd hotel I mustered up the courage to act like a fellow guest in, to steal breakfast.

I proceeded to ask her how long she had worked at this lovely establishment, sending subtle compliments her way, praising her staff and their generous hospitality. Its funny, when it was all said and done, I came away with a fantastic all-star breakfast full of unlimited golden waffles, lucky charms(still magically delicious), fluffy eggs(great job hens), syrup, whole milk and muffins(oh the muffins). I don't know the muffin man personally, but he's a hell of a guy. Another scam in the books, another resource for a rainy day(or every day), another amends I would eventually make in the future. Times were swell.

In the following months I proceeded to rotate between 6 hotels in the area, carrying out this newfound fountain of youth scam 3-4 times a week. I figured, "Hey, they would probably be so impressed with my psychopathic tendencies that they wouldn't even be mad." I had some serious issues to say the least. As any sane person can probably deduce, eventually one morning an employee noticed I had been "staying" at their hotel every Tuesday and Saturday morning for the past 6 weeks and quickly threatened to call the cops for trespassing if I didn't "get to steppin"(so mean).

[Springhill Suites] on the south N side of Lamar & Parmer, by the Wal-Mart, where I was ultimately caught for trespassing and kindly ushered off the premises.

Although I tell this story in jest, using humor as a way to give myself a soft-landing for the unfortunately dire circumstances I was in, at the end of the day I was stealing from them. Yes I was homeless and had no food, was fighting to survive and had it more rough than most people I would encounter on a daily basis, but that didn't give me the right to take advantage of them. I never believe that God encourages us to be deceptive, however I do believe that God does show tremendous amounts of grace to us wherever we are at. Looking back, its hard to believe that I put myself in the position to have to make such brash choices as I did. Its sad to think that the highlight of my day was stealing continental breakfast at a hotel, just so I wouldn't have to eat out of a trash can that day. However, that is part of my story, its where I came from and its part of my testimony of how God can redeem and restore us no matter how far we have fallen whether by circumstance or by choice. I was met with a tremendous amount of grace from everyone I stole from, as well as God, which in-turn has given me the ability to show grace to others when I have been harmed. God has a funny way of taking an ugly situation, ugly choices and turning them into a special kind of beauty. I do miss those waffles though.