"Social Uncertainty"

[Poem of my battle with social anxiety]

Laughter, a midst effortless conversation, radiates the atmosphere as my fellow men and women carelessly engage in the ever so delicate dance of give and take communication, an apparent hallmark of the human experience.

As if already programmed into their genetic makeup, I watch as they carry out this task with grace and ease, something that to me feels as foreign as outer space.

Cascading flows of fear, disguised as anger, coarse through my veins at an alarming rate. If not for years of grueling therapeutic advances, this cascading anger would venture right at this emotional fork in the road of my mind I once again find myself in. Alas, I don’t have that luxury.

Instead, this very real cascading flow of raw emotion veers left, down the much darker path of self-realization, begrudged acceptance, and sweetly beguiled flashes of shame.

“Why can’t I do this,” the inner child in me helplessly cries out. The inevitable question which, at times, has haunted my soul. “Why is it so uncomfortable, exhausting, and tedious for me to simply relate to others without feeling as if I’m crawling out of my skin?”

Through oceans wide, and seas unknown, I tread the waves of fear. Some days I drown, without a cause, no peaceful moments leer. Some days I swim, with glorious strides, victorious far and near. Though time will tell, what lies ahead, tomorrow’s new frontier.

[Spencer Brooks Otto]