"Recurring Nightmares: Understanding the Link with PTSD"

[How Dialectical Behavior Therapy has helped me connect my subconscious and conscious mind]

As I nervously scanned the room, a sense of doom washed over me unlike any I had ever felt before. Where am I? What am I doing here? How did I get here? These questions stalked my conscious mind like a Lion stalking its helpless prey. Dread, horror, and fright encompassed my being. Before I could make any further attempt to make sense of my currently peculiar situation, I heard the fateful words I swore I never would never hear again in my life- "All rise, 26th District Court of Williamson County TX, the Honorable Donna King presiding, The State of Texas vs Spencer Brooks Otto."

If you are a current, former, or aspiring criminal, chances are you have heard of the "Williamson County" criminal justice institution, or as I prefer to call them, the "Pyongyang of Texas." Seriously, up until 2015 Williamson County had a tried-and-true reputation for being THE most corrupt, backwards, and prejudicial criminal justice institution in the State of Texas if not in the United States.

[Michael Morton] was wrongfully convicted of murdering his wife in Williamson County in 1987 and sentenced to Life in Prison, ultimately spending 25 years behind bars before he was exonerated.

Don't believe me? Google Michael Morton, Greg Kelley, Ken Anderson, Jana Duty, John Bradley, Robert Chody, Tim Wright, the list literally goes on from there. Wilco had a reputation full of Brady Violating prosecutors(In Texas a Brady Violation is when a prosecutor knowingly and actively hides evidence which would exonerate a defendant), crooked judges, and literally picking guys up off the street, and sending them to the penitentiary.

[Greg Kelley] was wrongfully convicted in Williamson County in 2013 of Super Aggravated Sexual Assault of a Child and sentenced to 25 years in prison, ultimately serving 3 before being exonerated.

In the last months of the infamous Wilco tyranny, before the iron curtain fell, 3 Judges had been disbarred, 2 District Attorneys had been charged with crimes, and 1 well respected retired judge served jail time for hiding evidence which resulted in 2 Men spending over 28 years combined in prison for crimes they did not commit. Classy folks up there. Naturally, being the criminal that I was at the time, my biggest fear was getting arrested in Williamson County, regardless of if I committed a crime or not.

Prosecutors are calling witness after witness, making claim after claim, and presenting mountains of evidence, making a case against me for something I have never heard of, much less participated in. My lawyer is actively failing to cross examine any witnesses, he is raising zero objections, and when the State rests, passing the case to my attorney, he simply exclaims "The Defense rests." As the Judge instructs the Jury on their deliberations, the pit in my stomach festers and grows like a virus infecting all of mankind. I'm helpless, I'm stuck, I'm alone, I'm without an advocate, and worst of all- I know what's coming. Despite not even knowing what I'm on trial for, I can see the writing on the wall.

"We the jury find the defendant, Spencer Brooks Otto, guilty of the offense of Capital Murder." I'm quite literally speechless. The room begins to spin, I am overcome with a light headed dizzy spell which renders me utterly incapacitated. Before I can even begin to gather myself I hear the Judge callously proclaim, "Mr. Otto, I sentence you to Life in the Texas Department of Criminal Justice without the possibility of Parole." My whole being goes numb. This can't be real. How in the world did I end up here? As the cops shackle me from my feet to my waist to my legs and begin to lead me out of the courtroom as a newly condemned man- I wake up.

I have had that recurring nightmare on-and-off since I was 18 years old. I had that nightmare last night, for the second time in 5 days. Sometimes in periods of high stress its occurrence increases, and sometimes it seemingly hits me out of nowhere, during peaceful times. Regardless of when or how often it occurs, my reaction is and has always been the same- screaming myself awake, covered in sweat, having no idea where I am.

[Recurring Nightmares] are strongly linked to PTSD and without therapy can become extremely distressing, affecting one's mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual life.

Trauma's influence on dreams, particularly in the context of recurring nightmares, has been the subject of considerable research in the fields of psychology and sleep science. When individuals experience traumatic events, the emotional and cognitive imprints of these experiences often find their way into the dream realm. Recurring nightmares, characterized by their repetitive and distressing nature, can be a manifestation of this phenomenon. These nightmares may serve as a means for the brain to process and attempt to integrate the overwhelming emotional content associated with the trauma. By revisiting the traumatic event during sleep, the brain engages in a form of emotional regulation and cognitive processing. However, the re-experiencing of the trauma during dreams can also lead to sleep disturbances, such as insomnia and fragmented sleep patterns. Furthermore, the heightened emotional intensity and graphic imagery of these nightmares can contribute to emotional exhaustion and psychological distress, something I have experienced quite regularly.

Before I started therapy, or entered an honest program of recovery, it was easy for me to chalk this dream up to being a former criminal. No criminal wants to get caught and go to prison. To the untrained eye, like my own at the time, this was the most plausible explanation. However, when I started working a rigorous plan of recovery, supplemented with weekly therapy sessions, I began to see just how symbolic this dream actually was.

Growing up, I often felt misunderstood, alone, and if I didn't have a voice. When I would try and speak up about something that bothered me, or was causing my grief, my Dad's go-to response was, "I'm not having this conversation." It was chalked up to me being unreasonable, dramatic, and out-of-line. We rarely had constructive conversations, it was usually a blow up fight with lots of screaming, arguing, blaming, and heartache. Even at a very young age, I felt that same sense of doom in my heart, the same sense of doom I feel in my recurring nightmare, as if I'm screaming as loud as I can, "Hey something is wrong here," yet no one could hear me. Over time as I grew physically, a sense of murderous rage overcame me, and although I was still too young to know what it meant or where it was coming from, my spirit, my soul, whatever you want to call it, knew something was terribly wrong.

One thing that was wisely taught to me through DBT training was instead of focusing all my attention on the actual details of the recurring dream, focusing more attention on the actual emotions felt during the dream will help make better sense of its meaning, but will also help me become more aware of and connected with my emotions.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a therapeutic approach designed to help people cope with difficult emotions, relationships, and traumatic experiences. It works by teaching practical skills that enable individuals to better understand and manage their emotions. With DBT, individuals learn mindfulness techniques that encourage awareness of their thoughts and feelings without judgment, which helps them stay present in the moment. This heightened self-awareness allows people to recognize how trauma may be affecting them emotionally. Allow me to explain.

[DBT] provides someone with practical coping techniques which makes it possible to better identify and understand their emotions.

Imagine a person, let's call her Sarah, who struggles with intense anger and often finds herself getting into heated arguments with her loved ones. This anger is a result of past traumatic experiences that she hasn't fully processed. Through DBT, Sarah would work with a therapist to develop skills to manage her anger and heal from the underlying trauma, utilizing the following techniques:

1. Mindfulness: Sarah learns mindfulness techniques to observe her anger without judgment. During moments of anger, she practices taking deep breaths and acknowledging her emotions without reacting impulsively.

2. Emotion Regulation: With her therapist's guidance, Sarah identifies triggers for her anger and the physical sensations associated with it. She then learns strategies to cope with anger, such as grounding exercises or taking breaks when feeling overwhelmed.

3. Distress Tolerance: In situations where Sarah feels her anger escalating, she learns to tolerate distress by using self-soothing techniques like progressive muscle relaxation or visualizing a peaceful place.

4. Interpersonal Effectiveness: DBT helps Sarah improve her communication skills, so she can express her needs and emotions more effectively without resorting to aggressive or hurtful behavior.

5. Trauma Processing: The therapist helps Sarah explore and process the traumatic experiences underlying her anger. This involves validating her feelings and using specific techniques like prolonged exposure or trauma-focused CBT to gradually work through the trauma.

6. Homework and Support: Throughout the DBT process, Sarah receives homework assignments and practice exercises to reinforce the skills learned in therapy. The therapist also provides ongoing support and encouragement during her healing journey.

Over time, as Sarah consistently applies these DBT skills, she experiences a reduction in the intensity and frequency of her anger outbursts. She becomes more aware of her emotions, better equipped to handle triggering situations, and able to heal from the emotional wounds of her trauma. The DBT approach helps Sarah build resilience and create healthier relationships, ultimately leading to a more balanced and fulfilling life.

[Progress Not Perfection] has been my key to finding healing from trauma.

I have found that the key to success is consistency. Shifting my focus from the amount of struggle I encounter as the gauge of how strong my recovery is, to how often am I showing up and continuing to fight through that struggle has proven to be life changing. It not only takes the pressure off of me to be "perfect" that I tend to assign myself, but it also has helped me gain stability in my emotional, mental and spiritual life as well. If my focus is on never having a bad day, never struggling, and never encountering roadblocks, I am not only going to be grossly disappointed, I am going to assume I am a failure, which sets me up to go back to bad habits and ultimately give up. When I decide to focus on simply showing up and continuing to fight, regardless of how many times I get knocked down, surprisingly, my life has more peace, more joy, and more grace. This is where I strive to be.